It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, to share, to delve within myself and discover the inner self yet again.
A dear friend shared some of her thoughts, and they resonated deep within my soul. The last 3 days I have been feeling that yearning from deep within to address some issues with people in my life. I have read a poem several times about people being in your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. And that theory resonates deep within my being.
I have many people that are in my life, and have been for a lifetime, and I pray that they will always be. There are some wonderful friends that I don't communicate with often, for whatever reason, but when we talk, it is as if no time has past at all. And these people I love and I know that they are always there for me, no matter what.
Then there are the people that come into view for a short period of time, to teach a lesson. Or better yet, to receive help in learning whatever lesson it may be. Like a lady I still refer to as a friend, let's call her J. She needed someone to help her see the strong side of herself, to remind her that she could stand up for herself, and what she new was right for her and her children. I have not heard from her in over a year now, and the last time I saw her, she was in a much better frame of self worth, and had finally stood up for herself.
Then there are those that come into life for a season. The season can be long months, or even years. I have many of these relations in life as well. And these are the ones I tend to struggle with the most. Some people have just moved away, and we just don't talk. Others I wish would finally just go away and leave me alone, never to darken my doorway again. And yet others go away and then come back, and then disappear again. Then something will happen to remind me of the time in my life where they were around me often. Like seeing a place we visited together, or hearing a song, or have a dream about them. Sometimes it is really good memories, and sometimes it is very painful. Crying at times for no reason, or getting angry - more so at myself than them. Sometimes it is just the hurt, or the joy, and then the sadness that comes from not having them in my life anymore.
Maybe the reason I struggle so much is there is always the hope of rekindling that friendship. And yet some I need to say good-bye to permanently. Let go of the hurt and pain, maybe even let go of the hope that something could have been different. I have said good-bye to some rather easily, and others I think I have, and yet a period of time will come and I just seem to think too often of them. And then the urge to talk to them, or contact them really hits. And I KNOW that I cannot, for it will cause too much grief for me, and destroy parts of me as well. And who knows what could happen in their life!
Some of the people I would love to be able to talk to again, and it is physically impossible to have that, as they have gone on to the next life, whatever that may be for them. Yes, I still feel them, and even have a conversation with them in a sense, but unable to give them hugs, or see their reactions to words and thoughts could make all the difference now.
I guess these are the wanderings of wonder in my soul today. If I had to choose colors for these people, I would color the lifetime friends in shades of greens and blues - grass and the sky colors, as they touch my life every day in one way or another. And I cannot imagine not having them in it. The ones that are hear for just a reason would be yellows and oranges, for the joy and healing on each of our lives. Those that are here for a season or two (maybe more) would probably be in shades of brown, or perhaps greys, as it can be hard to differentiate exactly what is trying to come to light with them at times. Perhaps one day, I will be able to see all the brightness that these people brought to my life. Right now, I find I struggle with them, so it is hard to see the brightness and colorful aspects that were added to me, and my being who I am, at this time in my life.
And to those who have gone before me, I miss you. G-M, thank you for your unconditional love and loving guidance. And to A. A., thank you for the love you gave me, and the growth as well, but most of all, the forgiveness you gave in the last week, and most especially our son.