A very good friend came to visit with me over the July 4th holiday and went home today. She really is a lifetime friend, and I am so grateful for our connection. She is quite stubborn, and knows exactly what she wants, very independent and strong, and has a go get-em attitude. I've always admired that about her. We had several deep discussions and I didn't want to hear some of what she was saying, and yet she persisted and I finally got what she had to say. It didn't take too much for her to get through the walls I had put up. And for that I will be forever grateful. And it has spurred my need to express who I am, who I want to be, and how I want to live my life. Living the journey of my life's motto.
Learning to appreciate the depths and reality of your own being is not always easy to do. The old records that play in your head seem to ramp up their volume and frequency of playing, just to see if you will still fall to their snares. Some days are much easier to ignore the "songs" and other days it is quite easy for them to take over the mind, and that is what needs to change. My fears, and the "what if" crowd me and try to push and shove this new way of being over the cliff to its death. I refuse to let that happen again.
My life motto is: To Live and abundant, optimistic, healthy life that is full of confidence, creativity, compassion and love for self, and for others. The creativity is strong these days with the crocheting, needle felting, art journaling, book making, and even some knitting. I am enjoying seeing the pieces come to life, or express life and how it is at moments in time. And it continues to grow and that is a grand achievement in my life.
I find that I have lots of compassion for others, yet I lack that for my own self. I can relate with my friends, and even strangers, when they are going through rough experiences. I'm so very grateful for the hard times I have had in my life, as they help me understand how others may feel in similar situations. I can testify that life can be different and better since I have crawled through to the other side of the problem. Not every one uses their past to help encourage others, and that is how I see compassion for others working in my life. I need to be able to let go of the hurts, and the "if only I had said, done...." items in my life, and have that compassion for me. That is a struggle still, yet I know it is improving.
Confidence is an area in life that I have lacked strength in, and only now, in my 40's, am I seeing how I have damaged my own thoughts, ideas, and growth. Confidence is a feeling of power or self-reliance on one's circumstance. How often to we believe that we can get through a situation on our own? Confidence can rock and roll and bang around and stare me in the face, and still I don't always grab hold of it. And like LOVE, that four letter word, that seems to be so easy to say, yet so misunderstood, is another area that seems to change as the waves of the sea. Love can be so calming, and easy, and then it can come crashing down around you to where you cannot breathe. That is how it works and shows itself though, and how I learn to be open to accepting it all. Confidence, in my opinion, is accepting your self worth, or love of who you are, assured that you can do what you need without the anyone's approval except your own. That does not mean I have to condone what people do or say. I need to accept that it is okay to be entirely me, and that NO is a part of my vocabulary, both for myself and for others.
Recently, at a group I participate in, we were discussing the need to say NO and why it is so difficult to say it out loud, and how we always feel as if we have to qualify why our answer is no. One question was "What are we preventing when we do not say No?" I realized at that moment, when I say yes to something, and the answer truly should be a strong no, that I am standing in the way of the learning opportunity of others. By continually taking on a task that I hate, or do not enjoy, or just no longer need to do, then I am preventing growth in myself and others. There is not way to build up my own confidence, or allow others to find it in themselves, if I cannot step out of my own comfort zone.
I have also come to the realization that some people really are okay to let go of. I have found that I trust others too easily, and even though I know better, I still want to believe the best in people. Too optimistic in this day and age? Probably. And now that I can see my own truth, I have the desire to let them go without blame. By doing so, I am finding more peace in my life.
I am convinced that this is the right life motto for me. The only subject I did not touch on earlier is the healthy aspect of it all. Yes, I want to be physically as healthy as possible. Who doesn't, right? I am more interested in the healthy life of the mind and spirit aspects. The physical health can only get better once the mind and spirit are truly aligned. So, in my thoughts, by living true to my being I am beginning the healthy aspect of my motto. And all this provides abundance in my life. Lots of friends, growth, happiness, wellness, and love. What more could there be, really?!
I am taking my stand now! Life is too short to be any one other that who I am, and who I strive to be. I do not have to mold myself to the expectations or wants of those around me. It takes too much energy and effort to do that, and I declare right now, that I refuse to do that any longer. That does not mean it will be easy. I expect trials, so I know I am going in the right direction, strengthening my confidence levels, and having compassion upon myself. Even my creativity will improve by taking this stand. And that is what I want in my life. And I truly believe that by doing these things, I am improving my own well-being, as well as those whom I come into contact with on a regular basis. And even strangers can benefit if so chosen on a daily basis.
So my questions to you are: What is your life motto? What do you want in life? How do you see yourself? Do you only care for where you are right now? Or do you want to help others improve who they are? Do you have compassion for other people? Do you have confidence in who you are and the choices you have to make in life? Who in your life helps you to see where you need to grow? Who spurs your creativity? How can you create kindness in your corner of life? Can you allow others to be compassionate to you? Are you able to be optimistic in a "I am better than you world"? How can you make your life healthy? And can you allow all this to create an abundant life for you?
Thanks for reading,
Carly
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Friday, July 13, 2012
Perfectly Imperfect
Well, I failed miserably at writing every week, even every month, however, I refuse to let it get to me. I often fall short of my goals, and yet, I find myself striving to reach them anyway. Who doesn't have this problem, at least occasionally??
I have worked hard on my life since January, and I completed my shawl I started in January. It was my year long goal, and yet I finished it July 2, 2012. I was amazed at how easy it was, and yet how difficult it was at the same time. I would complete a row, be thrilled, start the next, and realize that there were mistakes that could not be overlooked. So, sadly, I would rip out the two rows, and redo them. If only life were as easy to rip back to the mistakes, and start over so it doesn't cause grief. There were well over 700 stitches in these rows, so it wasn't as if it was easy to see the work just disappear, and feel like a complete failure, or just plain stupid. There were two different rows that I had to rip out 3 times to make it right.
It is a beautiful shawl, and it will remind me that I have to watch my words, and my actions, so as to make sure that life is beautiful for myself, as well as those whose lives I touch. It will also remind me that there are times I have to "tink" back, correct a mistake to the best of my ability , and move forward from there. I have finally realized that it is alright to make poor choices or make errors, or better said: leave a wrong stitch in the fabric of life. It helps define me. I am not perfect, nor is my shawl, but I am always, and wonderfully, perfectly imperfect ME.
I am quite please with the way my shawl turned out, even with the mistakes. Those mistakes reflect life, and are my signature to my piece of work. I will be wearing this with a new dress in October, when I go see The Lion King play.
This shawl is the Cassandra Shawl by Lily Go. And I made my shawl with Filigran lace yarn that was shades of purple. Here are a few pictures of my masterpiece, and I do consider this my first crocheted masterpiece. The first picture is the 4 starting rows, the 2nd is the best picture I have of the entire shawl at this time, and the last shows better coloring and detailed work.
Thank you for taking the time to come and read my blog.
I have worked hard on my life since January, and I completed my shawl I started in January. It was my year long goal, and yet I finished it July 2, 2012. I was amazed at how easy it was, and yet how difficult it was at the same time. I would complete a row, be thrilled, start the next, and realize that there were mistakes that could not be overlooked. So, sadly, I would rip out the two rows, and redo them. If only life were as easy to rip back to the mistakes, and start over so it doesn't cause grief. There were well over 700 stitches in these rows, so it wasn't as if it was easy to see the work just disappear, and feel like a complete failure, or just plain stupid. There were two different rows that I had to rip out 3 times to make it right.
It is a beautiful shawl, and it will remind me that I have to watch my words, and my actions, so as to make sure that life is beautiful for myself, as well as those whose lives I touch. It will also remind me that there are times I have to "tink" back, correct a mistake to the best of my ability , and move forward from there. I have finally realized that it is alright to make poor choices or make errors, or better said: leave a wrong stitch in the fabric of life. It helps define me. I am not perfect, nor is my shawl, but I am always, and wonderfully, perfectly imperfect ME.
I am quite please with the way my shawl turned out, even with the mistakes. Those mistakes reflect life, and are my signature to my piece of work. I will be wearing this with a new dress in October, when I go see The Lion King play.
This shawl is the Cassandra Shawl by Lily Go. And I made my shawl with Filigran lace yarn that was shades of purple. Here are a few pictures of my masterpiece, and I do consider this my first crocheted masterpiece. The first picture is the 4 starting rows, the 2nd is the best picture I have of the entire shawl at this time, and the last shows better coloring and detailed work.
Thank you for taking the time to come and read my blog.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Challenging Myself - and YOU!
And......2012 is now here, and in full swing already. I have a wish for all who read my blog and that is: May we all be able to let the yuckies and regrets from 2011 be washed away and forgotten, yet keep the lessons we have learned fresh in our minds. May the NEW YEAR bring us blessings and delights, and just enough of the yucks to make us aware of the joys we have each day, and be grateful for them. May we all look to joyously give to others, whether it be a smile, a hug, an encouraging word, or a beautifully made gift. May we all be able to accept these small gifts in kind, and then pay it forward. May we remember to say thank you from the heart, and be kind to ourselves and our communities.
I have a few goals for this year. One is to finish a major project, the Cassandra Shawl, http://lilygo.blogspot.com/2011/02/cassandra-crocheted-shawl-pattern-for.html , which was gifted to me by a sweet lady whom I have never met in person, but feel as if she is a very dear friend. I started it last year, then ripped it out, as I didn't like how it looked, and was very unsure of my ability to make it. I have done a lot of crocheting in the last year, and feel much more confident about myself, crocheting terms/directions, and the ability to make this gorgeous shawl.
I plan on updating the blog once a week with my progress, as well as posting pictures of my progress. I am sure that I will learn many new techniques, and be well challenged. I encourage each of you to find a special project to work on throughout the year, and share your progress. I know that I am looking forward to being able to wear this beauty and show it off, once completed. It may take me all year to finish, but then again, I may get to where I am so thrilled with my work, that I won't be able to put it down, and will finish it in 6 months, or 3 months.....who knows the challenges at this point.
I will also be working on other projects, lots of needle felting and other crochet projects as well. I plan to have an Etsy shop open and running by the end of January. I will also be teaching some felting classes at one of the yarn stores in Albuquerque, and hoping to do that on a monthly basis. So I will be busy, but am so looking forward to the challenges it brings.
What are you wanting to create this year? What are you working on that helps you to improve your skills or learn new techniques? What about getting out of that comfort zone scares you? We are creatures that need stimulation, remolding, growth, expansion of our minds and abilities. So why not start now, with the new year, and do one thing each day to expand who you are, your abilities, your joy in life? Find something new you want to do, and share it with your beloved family and friends.
My challenge to you is to find one item, one dream, and push yourself to make it come to fruition. Learn a new craft, write that book, paint the room, go and photograph nature, just find something, anything, to bring more joy into your life. And then share the joy! That is how the world changes for the better. One joy, dwell on it, share it, and encourage others to do the same.
May 2012 be full of: Love, Compassion, Joy, Excitement, Challenges, and Abundance.
Many blessings, smiles, and laughter to each of you.
I have a few goals for this year. One is to finish a major project, the Cassandra Shawl, http://lilygo.blogspot.com/2011/02/cassandra-crocheted-shawl-pattern-for.html , which was gifted to me by a sweet lady whom I have never met in person, but feel as if she is a very dear friend. I started it last year, then ripped it out, as I didn't like how it looked, and was very unsure of my ability to make it. I have done a lot of crocheting in the last year, and feel much more confident about myself, crocheting terms/directions, and the ability to make this gorgeous shawl.
I plan on updating the blog once a week with my progress, as well as posting pictures of my progress. I am sure that I will learn many new techniques, and be well challenged. I encourage each of you to find a special project to work on throughout the year, and share your progress. I know that I am looking forward to being able to wear this beauty and show it off, once completed. It may take me all year to finish, but then again, I may get to where I am so thrilled with my work, that I won't be able to put it down, and will finish it in 6 months, or 3 months.....who knows the challenges at this point.
I will also be working on other projects, lots of needle felting and other crochet projects as well. I plan to have an Etsy shop open and running by the end of January. I will also be teaching some felting classes at one of the yarn stores in Albuquerque, and hoping to do that on a monthly basis. So I will be busy, but am so looking forward to the challenges it brings.
What are you wanting to create this year? What are you working on that helps you to improve your skills or learn new techniques? What about getting out of that comfort zone scares you? We are creatures that need stimulation, remolding, growth, expansion of our minds and abilities. So why not start now, with the new year, and do one thing each day to expand who you are, your abilities, your joy in life? Find something new you want to do, and share it with your beloved family and friends.
My challenge to you is to find one item, one dream, and push yourself to make it come to fruition. Learn a new craft, write that book, paint the room, go and photograph nature, just find something, anything, to bring more joy into your life. And then share the joy! That is how the world changes for the better. One joy, dwell on it, share it, and encourage others to do the same.
May 2012 be full of: Love, Compassion, Joy, Excitement, Challenges, and Abundance.
Many blessings, smiles, and laughter to each of you.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Knots of all Kinds
I have had so many struggles the last two months. I have learned so much, and I see all the growing I am now doing. My mind and heart have been tied in knots - little ones, tight ones, loose ones, and huge knots that knock me over when they come to mind.
I was asked a really good question this morning, which has made me contemplate on it, as well as my answer to it. The question was "are you making it a bigger deal, or are they?" Wow, that was an eye opener for sure. I realized that I am probably the one that is making it a much bigger deal.
I am a mom, and my girls are now adults, and one is to be a mom herself in the Spring. I'm finding it very difficult to let go, and realize that I cannot protect them from the hurts that come in life, because of their choices. I am finding that I still think of them as my babies, always will, and they still want and need me to help them make good choices. Unfortunately, that part of life is now over, and I cannot put my foot down and say just what I think.
All I can do is listen to them when they want to talk, and love them whatever decision is made, especially if I don't like it. I hope that one day they will see how much I love them, and just what I did for them, as well as will continue to do for them.
I know soon enough my son will be an adult and be moving out of the home as well. In the meantime, I will continue too do my best to show my love and concern for him, as well as my girls, to the best of my abilities.
Just like crochet - which is tying different knots in string to create a lovely object - I will tie the knots of love in my heart, and hopefully each of my wonderful children's as well. Some knots will remain, thick and strong, as they are meant to be, others loose and flowing to shine with the light, and yet others to be ripped out never to be seen again, and more yet to be reshaped and formed to add that special twist.
I love you, my sweet, wonderful children. You are each a special gift, and I thank you for all the love, all the stress, all the laughter, and all the difficulty as well, so that my love for you grows every day, and I can become a better mom, and hopefully a fantastic grandmother too.
What knots do you need to untie? What knots do you need to rip out, never to be retied? What knots need to be reshaped? Look at all your knots, and hopefully all of them are making a beautiful coat of unconditional love, and inner beauty.
I was asked a really good question this morning, which has made me contemplate on it, as well as my answer to it. The question was "are you making it a bigger deal, or are they?" Wow, that was an eye opener for sure. I realized that I am probably the one that is making it a much bigger deal.
I am a mom, and my girls are now adults, and one is to be a mom herself in the Spring. I'm finding it very difficult to let go, and realize that I cannot protect them from the hurts that come in life, because of their choices. I am finding that I still think of them as my babies, always will, and they still want and need me to help them make good choices. Unfortunately, that part of life is now over, and I cannot put my foot down and say just what I think.
All I can do is listen to them when they want to talk, and love them whatever decision is made, especially if I don't like it. I hope that one day they will see how much I love them, and just what I did for them, as well as will continue to do for them.
I know soon enough my son will be an adult and be moving out of the home as well. In the meantime, I will continue too do my best to show my love and concern for him, as well as my girls, to the best of my abilities.
Just like crochet - which is tying different knots in string to create a lovely object - I will tie the knots of love in my heart, and hopefully each of my wonderful children's as well. Some knots will remain, thick and strong, as they are meant to be, others loose and flowing to shine with the light, and yet others to be ripped out never to be seen again, and more yet to be reshaped and formed to add that special twist.
I love you, my sweet, wonderful children. You are each a special gift, and I thank you for all the love, all the stress, all the laughter, and all the difficulty as well, so that my love for you grows every day, and I can become a better mom, and hopefully a fantastic grandmother too.
What knots do you need to untie? What knots do you need to rip out, never to be retied? What knots need to be reshaped? Look at all your knots, and hopefully all of them are making a beautiful coat of unconditional love, and inner beauty.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
PATTERNS
I can't believe I have gone a couple of months without writing once again. I have certainly been busy with life. My son has returned to high school, now a sophomore, and the last child at home. He brings such joy to my life. He started his first official job as well this weekend. He is growing up so quickly, and it won't be but the blink of an eye and he will be moving out and starting college.
My second child has now started her first year of college. I'm so proud of how she has applied herself, and her dreams of becoming a doctor. She is a stubborn one, but that is a good thing, especially when that is applied to her goals and dreams.
My oldest is giving me a wonderful gift. YES, I am going to be a grandmother in April. I'm already in love with this child. I have already made a hooded baby blanket, and purchased a few items as well.
I have recently been enjoying my crocheting. I made a beautiful shawl for my sister, one for my lovely step-mom, and have just finished another for a dear friend. I have made several wrist warmers, a few baby hats, wash cloths, dish towels, and other miscellaneous items. Having different types of yarn running between my fingers, and seeing how tying knots with a hook simply fascinates me. A combination of simple, easy stitches and these amazing patterns come to life in hats, towels, shawls, blankets, just about anything you can dream, it can be made.
These patterns are much like life, simple decisions can make such a impact on the world. One bad decision and the house could be set on fire. One good decision and an entire group of people are rejoicing and singing how wonderful life is. Sometimes it isn't even a conscious decision, it is just doing things the way they have always been done, or just going with the flow.
I hope that I have created enough new patterns in my life, with tying the right knots, or untying them, and re-working the same yarn into something incredible, that this grand baby will see life as a beautiful gift. I hope and pray that I can encourage this child to love and give generously, to take good care of what is given, and yet give back even more that what was received. I also hope that I will see life anew through the loving eyes of my grand-child.
I must say thank you to my wonderful, supportive, encouraging husband as well. He believes in me, and my abilities, and wants me to be happy. He sees the joy that I have when I am felting, or crocheting, and makes sure that I am able to learn more, encourages me to be around like minded people too.
I'm in awe of the pattern my life has taken. I used to see it nothing but one nasty knot tied within a bigger nastier knot. Now that I look back, I can see how each of those difficult times wasn't just a knot, it was the start of a beautiful pattern, and that pattern is still not completely written. And hopefully it will be a long time before the final stitch is made in the pattern of my life. I know that it will be very PRETTY once it is completed.
What patterns are you creating? Do you see your life as nothing but one ugly knot? Or lots of simple knots that are beautiful? Or some knots that may need to be re-worked? Are you willing to re-work them for yourself? For those you love? For those that love you?
My second child has now started her first year of college. I'm so proud of how she has applied herself, and her dreams of becoming a doctor. She is a stubborn one, but that is a good thing, especially when that is applied to her goals and dreams.
My oldest is giving me a wonderful gift. YES, I am going to be a grandmother in April. I'm already in love with this child. I have already made a hooded baby blanket, and purchased a few items as well.
I have recently been enjoying my crocheting. I made a beautiful shawl for my sister, one for my lovely step-mom, and have just finished another for a dear friend. I have made several wrist warmers, a few baby hats, wash cloths, dish towels, and other miscellaneous items. Having different types of yarn running between my fingers, and seeing how tying knots with a hook simply fascinates me. A combination of simple, easy stitches and these amazing patterns come to life in hats, towels, shawls, blankets, just about anything you can dream, it can be made.
These patterns are much like life, simple decisions can make such a impact on the world. One bad decision and the house could be set on fire. One good decision and an entire group of people are rejoicing and singing how wonderful life is. Sometimes it isn't even a conscious decision, it is just doing things the way they have always been done, or just going with the flow.
I hope that I have created enough new patterns in my life, with tying the right knots, or untying them, and re-working the same yarn into something incredible, that this grand baby will see life as a beautiful gift. I hope and pray that I can encourage this child to love and give generously, to take good care of what is given, and yet give back even more that what was received. I also hope that I will see life anew through the loving eyes of my grand-child.
I must say thank you to my wonderful, supportive, encouraging husband as well. He believes in me, and my abilities, and wants me to be happy. He sees the joy that I have when I am felting, or crocheting, and makes sure that I am able to learn more, encourages me to be around like minded people too.
I'm in awe of the pattern my life has taken. I used to see it nothing but one nasty knot tied within a bigger nastier knot. Now that I look back, I can see how each of those difficult times wasn't just a knot, it was the start of a beautiful pattern, and that pattern is still not completely written. And hopefully it will be a long time before the final stitch is made in the pattern of my life. I know that it will be very PRETTY once it is completed.
What patterns are you creating? Do you see your life as nothing but one ugly knot? Or lots of simple knots that are beautiful? Or some knots that may need to be re-worked? Are you willing to re-work them for yourself? For those you love? For those that love you?
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wanderings Wonders
It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, to share, to delve within myself and discover the inner self yet again.
A dear friend shared some of her thoughts, and they resonated deep within my soul. The last 3 days I have been feeling that yearning from deep within to address some issues with people in my life. I have read a poem several times about people being in your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. And that theory resonates deep within my being.
I have many people that are in my life, and have been for a lifetime, and I pray that they will always be. There are some wonderful friends that I don't communicate with often, for whatever reason, but when we talk, it is as if no time has past at all. And these people I love and I know that they are always there for me, no matter what.
Then there are the people that come into view for a short period of time, to teach a lesson. Or better yet, to receive help in learning whatever lesson it may be. Like a lady I still refer to as a friend, let's call her J. She needed someone to help her see the strong side of herself, to remind her that she could stand up for herself, and what she new was right for her and her children. I have not heard from her in over a year now, and the last time I saw her, she was in a much better frame of self worth, and had finally stood up for herself.
Then there are those that come into life for a season. The season can be long months, or even years. I have many of these relations in life as well. And these are the ones I tend to struggle with the most. Some people have just moved away, and we just don't talk. Others I wish would finally just go away and leave me alone, never to darken my doorway again. And yet others go away and then come back, and then disappear again. Then something will happen to remind me of the time in my life where they were around me often. Like seeing a place we visited together, or hearing a song, or have a dream about them. Sometimes it is really good memories, and sometimes it is very painful. Crying at times for no reason, or getting angry - more so at myself than them. Sometimes it is just the hurt, or the joy, and then the sadness that comes from not having them in my life anymore.
Maybe the reason I struggle so much is there is always the hope of rekindling that friendship. And yet some I need to say good-bye to permanently. Let go of the hurt and pain, maybe even let go of the hope that something could have been different. I have said good-bye to some rather easily, and others I think I have, and yet a period of time will come and I just seem to think too often of them. And then the urge to talk to them, or contact them really hits. And I KNOW that I cannot, for it will cause too much grief for me, and destroy parts of me as well. And who knows what could happen in their life!
Some of the people I would love to be able to talk to again, and it is physically impossible to have that, as they have gone on to the next life, whatever that may be for them. Yes, I still feel them, and even have a conversation with them in a sense, but unable to give them hugs, or see their reactions to words and thoughts could make all the difference now.
I guess these are the wanderings of wonder in my soul today. If I had to choose colors for these people, I would color the lifetime friends in shades of greens and blues - grass and the sky colors, as they touch my life every day in one way or another. And I cannot imagine not having them in it. The ones that are hear for just a reason would be yellows and oranges, for the joy and healing on each of our lives. Those that are here for a season or two (maybe more) would probably be in shades of brown, or perhaps greys, as it can be hard to differentiate exactly what is trying to come to light with them at times. Perhaps one day, I will be able to see all the brightness that these people brought to my life. Right now, I find I struggle with them, so it is hard to see the brightness and colorful aspects that were added to me, and my being who I am, at this time in my life.
And to those who have gone before me, I miss you. G-M, thank you for your unconditional love and loving guidance. And to A. A., thank you for the love you gave me, and the growth as well, but most of all, the forgiveness you gave in the last week, and most especially our son.
A dear friend shared some of her thoughts, and they resonated deep within my soul. The last 3 days I have been feeling that yearning from deep within to address some issues with people in my life. I have read a poem several times about people being in your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. And that theory resonates deep within my being.
I have many people that are in my life, and have been for a lifetime, and I pray that they will always be. There are some wonderful friends that I don't communicate with often, for whatever reason, but when we talk, it is as if no time has past at all. And these people I love and I know that they are always there for me, no matter what.
Then there are the people that come into view for a short period of time, to teach a lesson. Or better yet, to receive help in learning whatever lesson it may be. Like a lady I still refer to as a friend, let's call her J. She needed someone to help her see the strong side of herself, to remind her that she could stand up for herself, and what she new was right for her and her children. I have not heard from her in over a year now, and the last time I saw her, she was in a much better frame of self worth, and had finally stood up for herself.
Then there are those that come into life for a season. The season can be long months, or even years. I have many of these relations in life as well. And these are the ones I tend to struggle with the most. Some people have just moved away, and we just don't talk. Others I wish would finally just go away and leave me alone, never to darken my doorway again. And yet others go away and then come back, and then disappear again. Then something will happen to remind me of the time in my life where they were around me often. Like seeing a place we visited together, or hearing a song, or have a dream about them. Sometimes it is really good memories, and sometimes it is very painful. Crying at times for no reason, or getting angry - more so at myself than them. Sometimes it is just the hurt, or the joy, and then the sadness that comes from not having them in my life anymore.
Maybe the reason I struggle so much is there is always the hope of rekindling that friendship. And yet some I need to say good-bye to permanently. Let go of the hurt and pain, maybe even let go of the hope that something could have been different. I have said good-bye to some rather easily, and others I think I have, and yet a period of time will come and I just seem to think too often of them. And then the urge to talk to them, or contact them really hits. And I KNOW that I cannot, for it will cause too much grief for me, and destroy parts of me as well. And who knows what could happen in their life!
Some of the people I would love to be able to talk to again, and it is physically impossible to have that, as they have gone on to the next life, whatever that may be for them. Yes, I still feel them, and even have a conversation with them in a sense, but unable to give them hugs, or see their reactions to words and thoughts could make all the difference now.
I guess these are the wanderings of wonder in my soul today. If I had to choose colors for these people, I would color the lifetime friends in shades of greens and blues - grass and the sky colors, as they touch my life every day in one way or another. And I cannot imagine not having them in it. The ones that are hear for just a reason would be yellows and oranges, for the joy and healing on each of our lives. Those that are here for a season or two (maybe more) would probably be in shades of brown, or perhaps greys, as it can be hard to differentiate exactly what is trying to come to light with them at times. Perhaps one day, I will be able to see all the brightness that these people brought to my life. Right now, I find I struggle with them, so it is hard to see the brightness and colorful aspects that were added to me, and my being who I am, at this time in my life.
And to those who have gone before me, I miss you. G-M, thank you for your unconditional love and loving guidance. And to A. A., thank you for the love you gave me, and the growth as well, but most of all, the forgiveness you gave in the last week, and most especially our son.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Life Patterns
It has been a very busy time the last couple of weeks, and at times I just wanted to curl up and sleep away days at a time. I thought wake me when the pain stops, or, wake me when things are going more smoothly. Old habits rear their ugly heads in such a comforting manor, that you don't often realize you are back in the grips of them.
I don't really want to stay in that place though, so I have been crocheting, and learning new techniques and patterns. Some are easy to get right away, and others take lots of practice, sometimes have to start over again several times. I'm making granny squares right now, and it can be frustrating when I miss a stitch, or change stitches in the middle of the row, or don't understand the pattern. But I am learning, and learning takes time, and sometimes it takes a toll on the mind.
I've also been reading a powerful book. It will take me a long time to read through it, but will be well worth the time of contemplating and meditating on the information. The book is by Eckhert Tolle, called The Power of Now. I'm learning so much already, and only just finished chapter two last night. Changing thought patterns is much like learning a new crochet pattern. Often I have to rip out rows or entire projects, may have to re-stitch several times, and then I can see the beauty as it begins taking the shape and pattern I want.
The granny squares I am making are twelve inches, and I am putting them together to make lap blankets for the Veterans in the home in Tor C, NM. All the squares are unique in color and pattern. It takes time, effort, and a commitment to complete such a project, but I am finding it fun as well. I see just how much time it takes to make a better me as well.
We are all unique, have our own patterns. Do you want to stay the same pattern for the rest of your life? Or is it time to try a new color, a new stitch, an entirely new idea? Who are you now, who do you want to be ultimately?
Personally, I want to be the best, colorful, unique piece of work that I can be! It means I am in the processing of ripping out the hurts and pains I have carried for years, of letting go of the ugly patterns, and creating an entirely new, happy, cheerful, giving, supportive, loving ME! It will take time to stitch myself together, but with a little bit of effort, and changes in hooks, it will happen. It is a daily choice, a daily decession to make the right choice, to look at life a bit differently. Sometimes I even have to make that choice every other minute.
What about you? Who are you today? What pattern are you working on? Is it becoming more beautiful with every thought and stitch, or is it routine, old, boring, stagnant? What pleasure are you getting from the old patterns? Or is it time to start something new, exciting, and a bit challenging?
Here is to a new day, a new pattern, and new choices, all for the good in life!
I don't really want to stay in that place though, so I have been crocheting, and learning new techniques and patterns. Some are easy to get right away, and others take lots of practice, sometimes have to start over again several times. I'm making granny squares right now, and it can be frustrating when I miss a stitch, or change stitches in the middle of the row, or don't understand the pattern. But I am learning, and learning takes time, and sometimes it takes a toll on the mind.
I've also been reading a powerful book. It will take me a long time to read through it, but will be well worth the time of contemplating and meditating on the information. The book is by Eckhert Tolle, called The Power of Now. I'm learning so much already, and only just finished chapter two last night. Changing thought patterns is much like learning a new crochet pattern. Often I have to rip out rows or entire projects, may have to re-stitch several times, and then I can see the beauty as it begins taking the shape and pattern I want.
The granny squares I am making are twelve inches, and I am putting them together to make lap blankets for the Veterans in the home in Tor C, NM. All the squares are unique in color and pattern. It takes time, effort, and a commitment to complete such a project, but I am finding it fun as well. I see just how much time it takes to make a better me as well.
We are all unique, have our own patterns. Do you want to stay the same pattern for the rest of your life? Or is it time to try a new color, a new stitch, an entirely new idea? Who are you now, who do you want to be ultimately?
Personally, I want to be the best, colorful, unique piece of work that I can be! It means I am in the processing of ripping out the hurts and pains I have carried for years, of letting go of the ugly patterns, and creating an entirely new, happy, cheerful, giving, supportive, loving ME! It will take time to stitch myself together, but with a little bit of effort, and changes in hooks, it will happen. It is a daily choice, a daily decession to make the right choice, to look at life a bit differently. Sometimes I even have to make that choice every other minute.
What about you? Who are you today? What pattern are you working on? Is it becoming more beautiful with every thought and stitch, or is it routine, old, boring, stagnant? What pleasure are you getting from the old patterns? Or is it time to start something new, exciting, and a bit challenging?
Here is to a new day, a new pattern, and new choices, all for the good in life!
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